Changing anything in the house, especially if it was something he was involved in or a way he wanted I feel like I’m moving him farther out of our house and my life. It’s hard to come home to an empty house or wake up in the morning to an empty bed. It’s hard to go into the closet and not see his clothes or his toiletries in the bathroom. The toiletries I had to move as they were a constant reminder and that was harder.
When I’m out with friends or running errands I do have a normal life and my brain and heart gets a break but I often find myself watching the clock to see how long I’ve been away and wanting to rush home to Don. Then reality hits and I remember that he’s not going to be there.
Don was my computer geek and he knew computers inside and out. He built them and wouldn’t have anything that wasn’t built by him. He was particular about his computer and what he allowed to be downloaded. He was also an avid computer gamer and has hundreds of games both on discs and online thru Steam or Origin.
Well, today my computer crashed and while I want MY computer and all the files that are locked in there someplace I decided to move to Don’s. I mean it’s just sitting there and has only been turned on a couple of times in the last 7-8 months. First thing I did was load a few of my programs then I decided to move my keyboard and trackball over. OK, now I’m more comfortable. So, lets set up my emails so I can check those. Done and better but the desktop (on the computer) isn’t the way I’d like it and even though Don has an uncluttered desktop I can’t find anything so I started making new files and then it hit. It was a cold ache in the middle of my chest. I was doing one more thing to delete Don. I’m wondering if it would make things easier if I moved his computer to my desk or would that also be hard.
It’s hard and a constant reminder when I see his things around but it’s harder to change anything. I’ve been told it gets easier but never goes away. I’ll take easier because I want to remember him and remember the love we shared. I want to hear his laugh, hear his voice and feel his arms around me. I guess there’s comfort in seeing his computer sitting on his desk just the way he left it, the way he always had it. Seeing his KC Chiefs cup in the cabinet (I’ve even used it once) or seeing his razor in the bathroom. There’s even comfort in seeing the ugly lamp he had on his nightstand that he wouldn’t part with.